Our story Part 4

I had this all wrote out and then was very unsure I wanted to be this honest. Do I want my full story told? Dan read the entire thing and said "Yes, post it, it's real life." I also talked to Katie my sister in law ands he also said yes it was a rough year but it was okay to tell. So to get where we are today we have to go through the rough times.

I'm going to back track just a little and tell you the full story. I had Tatum early Saturday morning (Friday night to me). On Saturday my sister in law Katie went for her first ultra sound. She found out she was also having a girl and due in October. We were going to both have babies girls! How exciting is that! We had so many thoughts and dreams for our little girls growing up and playing together. Tatum's first cousin was going to be a girl and we were sure they'd be best friends. On that Monday Katie went back to her doctor and was told they believed her baby had down syndrome. Our homecoming with Tatum was bitter sweet. We were so excited to have our baby girl home and safe with us but at the same time our hearts were heavy for Katie and Derick. We didn't know what this would bring for them.

Our prayers for Tatum changed. We started praying that she would have a kind heart, love for her cousin Karoline that was unconditional and that she would never see her as anything other then her cousin and her friend.

Jumping back to August. I had just told my boss I was not returning to work. I was so lost in who I was. I kept thinking soon the day is coming that I should have been going back to work. I was trying to find myself. Trying to establish who I was as a mommy. I had worked since I was young. I babysat really young, then helped my aunt clean the church and at 14 years old I started working for a skating rink. So needless to say to not work was really strange for me. I was doing as much as I could to pull my weight so I could stay at home but didn't feel like I was actually working. It was strange figuring out my new role. Don't get me wrong I loved being with my baby and didn't want to change that at all it was just a larger adjustment then I ever could have dreamed.

The end of August Dan's cousin had her baby two hours from where we lived. We drove up to visit them and see the new baby. On our way there Katie called to tell us at her doctor apt she was sent on to the hospital because she was in labor. She was only 32 weeks! That was way to early!

First thing Saturday morning we headed back home and to see Katie and Derick at the hospital. On Sunday Katie delivered Karoline by csection. She was rushed straight to NICU. Derick got to escort her in and we were able to watch them pass by in the hall. We were all so excited and couldn't wait to see her. The doctor came out later and told us Katie was doing very good. The baby would have up and down days and that's normal for babies that early and in the NICU.

We were prepared for up and down days. I would go home to Tatum and love on her but at the same time feel so guilty because Katie's baby was not healthy. That week I prayed like I never prayed before. The middle part of the week is kind of a blur, lots of tears and prayers. On Thursday I got a text from Katie that said please pray things were not looking good. I can't remember the exact wording. Tatum was napping at that time and I was in the bedroom putting things away. I fell to my knees scared to death. I started praying and praying until I was flat on my face praying. My heart felt like it was going to burst with sorrow.

My mother in law Dianna called later to tell us not to go to the hospital but to just meet them at home because Karoline was not going to make it. I waited for what seemed like forever on Dan to get off work. He only worked until 4:00 but it seemed so long. I wanted to get to my best friend and sister so badly. The second we headed that way I suddenly realized she may resent me or my baby. I immediately went in the house and fell beside Katie. We cried and hugged. She asked where Tatum was. I just said outside with Phil (father in law). Later Dan went out to be with her. I think we were all a little afraid to take her in for fear of hurting Katie. I didn't know what to do. This was like nothing I've ever felt. This was my baby and I was torn on bringing her in or hiding her. Katie asked several more times where Tatum was and why we weren't bringing her in. We did finally bring her in but didn't stay much longer.

At Karoline's viewing we did the same sort of thing. We kept Tatum in the back and outside not sure how people would react. Dan's cousin that just had the baby did not bring in her baby either. I was asked by a few people how it felt to have the healthy baby? I can answer that now. All I could feel was guilt. Guilt that my baby was safe, healthy, and at home with me. I was even warned by others that Katie may look at my baby and compare and always be reminded. This nearly crushed me. This went on for the next several months. I was afraid to love on my baby in front of Dan's family. I didn't want to remind anyone that Karoline wasn't with us. Even if I wanted to hold her or had the urge to love on her I didn't. I held back with them for a long time. I felt we were resented. My heart was so broken. How would I ever feel comfortable around the family again?

Don't get me wrong I loved my baby and everything about her. I just wanted to be respectful and not hurtful to anyone. I had a hard time distinguishing how to do that at first.

During the next several weeks things were rough and Katie and Karoline were on my mind constantly. Katie and I talked or texts everyday. She even came to spend the night with us several times. She would even help me with Olivia sometimes when I babysat. She really seemed to have a connection with her or maybe she just loved her name ;)  

We talked about Karoline a lot and we cried often. We talked about Tatum and she knew a lot of the things I felt and I knew how she felt and the different emotions she went through. I knew she loved Tatum and I realized she loved me too and she didn't resent us. I still felt strange with the rest of the family. I was worried that my in laws felt awkward with Tatum around and unsure how to act in front of Katie and Derick with her. It was a touchy time for us all over the next several months.

I went to town and when I came back I found Katie in the bedroom holding Tatum. She was telling her all about Karoline. I decided then and there we would always tell her and so far always have been very honest with Tatum about Karoline and she knows exactly where she is. She said she wants to go to heaven someday so she can play with her.

During all this time and sadness with Karoline my Aunt Sue was very sick with cancer. We were told she was not going to make it much longer. She was so proud of my baby and excited to see her. Mom and I went to visit and take Tatum for a visit. I knew then that Aunt Sue really was not doing well. Tatum was not by any means a large baby but in Sue's arms she looked so big. Sue had lost so much weight and was so weak.

She also passed away in September. This was a hard time for my family. Sue was the strength and voice of reason in our family. She was the rock and her light shown really bright. She was a very strong Christian and loved by everyone. I believe she prayed often for her sisters and Dad that one day they would be saved. I know she was not perfect but in my eyes she was sweet spirited, classy and so beautiful. She always pulled off red lipstick like no one else I know and it looked so classy. Classy is my Nanny Carol's word and her sister Sue in my opinion is the definition of the word. I never saw her act anything less then a lady.

I remember later in the day after Aunt Sue's funeral we were all gathered at Nanny's. I knew Nanny was hurting and unsure what the future held with out her sister. Tatum was smiling and laughing by this time. She was on the floor and I watched as Grandma, Aunt Margie (Nanny's Mom and youngest sister) and Nanny all played, cooed and laughed at Tatum. They had all lost but yet a baby and such innocence helped them get through that dark day. I felt I had cried more in one month then I could remember.

The end of September we all went out to eat as a family. Dustin was there and told us that he was seeing someone and had asked her to be his girlfriend. Her name was/is Shyla. We were all so excited for him and could not wait to meet this girl that had so quickly stolen Dustin's heart. David and Marcia were planning to get married in December. It was a good distraction and something to focus on for the next few months. Time was filled with holidays, showers and wedding preparations.